Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.

 

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D. is the Buckhorn Professor of Child Welfare in the College of Social Work at the University of Kentucky. After he received a master's degree in social work from the University of Chicago, he did postgraduate work in the Program of Advanced Studies in Social Work at Smith College, Northhampton, Massachusetts. He received his doctorate from the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, St. Louis. He is the author of numerous articles in professional journals as well as the following books: Working with Child Abuse & Neglect; Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma; Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive; Intimate Betrayal: Understanding and Responding to the Trauma of Acquaintance Rape; Understanding Family Violence: Treating and Preventing Partner, Child, Sibling and Elder Abuse. Dr. Wiehe has appeared on numerous television and radio talk shows discussing family violence, including Phil Donahue and Sonya Live. He is a frequently cited author on the subject of Family Violence.

 

 

Pageonelit.com: Where did you grow up and was reading and writing a part of your life? Who were your earliest influences and why?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: I grew up in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, and attended parochial grade school there. Upon graduation from grade school, I entered a preparatory high school that prepared me for entering a seminary to become a clergyman in the Lutheran Church. My theological education consisted of 11 years at which time I received a master's degree in theology. Upon completing my seminary education, I became interested in social work and was sent by the Lutheran church to the University of Chicago to obtain a masters degree in social work. I worked for a church related social agency for a few years and then took a post-master's program in social work at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts, and then a Ph.D. in social work research at Washington University in St. Louis. About the same time I renounced my ordination and thus no longer function in the role of clergy. I am an active member in the Presbyterian Church and still struggle with my religious beliefs or absence thereof.

Reading was very much a part of my life as I was growing up. I can recall as a small child riding my bicycle to a branch library in my neighborhood where I enjoyed reading there and borrowing books to take home. I was not athletic in school and thus seemed to put that energy into reading. I think various teachers I had over the years were the most influential people in my life - teachers and professors who were demanding but yet caring and understanding individuals. I try to model that style of teaching myself as a university professor. My philosophy in teaching is that "you catch flies with honey, not vinegar."

 

Pageonelit.com: Why did you write What Parents Need to Know about Sibling Abuse?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: In 1975 a national study was conducted in the United States on violence in the family. This research found that siblings were the most violent members of American families. Their rates of violence toward each other, that we identify now as "sibling abuse," was far greater than violence between parents that we label "spouse abuse" or violence of parents toward children that we call "child abuse." However, no social movement has developed as an effort to eradicate sibling abuse. National legislation was passed to cope with child abuse; the feminist movement has worked to bring to the forefront and prevent spouse abuse, and various groups advocating for senior citizens are working to stop elder abuse. Sibling abuse, however, has largely been ignored or excused as sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry is normal and occurs in all families in which there is more than one child. Sibling abuse is not normal and can have devastating effects on the victims.

Several years ago I conducted a study involving 150 adults who were seeking help from mental health professionals for problems-in-living that they felt in part stemmed from the physical, emotional or sexual abuse they experienced from a sibling as they were growing up. The problems for which they were seeking help included poor self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, depression and problems in interpersonal relationships, to name just a few. The results of the study made me aware of the serious consequences of sibling rivalry that gets out of control and becomes sibling abuse. The results prompted me to write several books for mental health professionals on the subject of sibling abuse and now to write this book for parents.

 

Pageonelit.com: From your experience do most parents view one child hitting a brother or sister as normal behavior? How and why can this behavior for a child continue into adulthood?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: As I stated earlier, sibling rivalry is normal; sibling abuse is not. All brothers and sisters fight, call each other names, and may at some time "play doctor." However, sibling rivalry, as I discuss in the book, can cross the fine line into what should be identified as sibling abuse. What is this fine line? I would encourage parents to ask themselves several questions when examining how their children behave toward each other. First, identify the behavior in a specific manner. Parents will often say to me, "My kids are at each other continually." My response is that we should be more specific in identifying the behavior. Is it hitting, slapping, or pushing - physical acts? Is it name-calling, teasing, or making derogatory comments - emotional acts? Thus, analyze the behavior and specifically identify it.

The second question is, "Is one sibling repeatedly a victim of another sibling?" What do we mean by the term, "victim?" A victim is someone who needs help. A victim in an automobile accident may be unconscious or trapped in the wreckage. We wouldn't think of ignoring the individual or saying to ourselves that eventually the individual will somehow get out of the wreckage. Likewise, parents should examine if one sibling is repeatedly a victim of the physical assaults or emotional abuse of another sibling. This often occurs with a younger child who is a victim of an older sibling's behavior. If so, the younger sibling needs help, needs rescuing. Parents ignoring the behavior, thinking that eventually it will go away, or making excuses like "the child needs to learn to fight his/her own battles" or "kids will be kids," is not helpful to the victim.

A third question is: "How frequently does the behavior occur between siblings and how long has it been going on?" It would be easy if one could state a specific time after which sibling rivalry becomes sibling abuse; however, this is not possible. What we are looking for here is a pattern of behavior between or among siblings. If parents say, "I can't stand to be in the same room with my kids because they are constantly fighting," obviously a pattern of behavior regarding the way the siblings relate to each other has been established that needs to be stopped. Parents must intervene. The book, What Parents Need to Know about Sibling Abuse, identifies various ways parents can intervene in such a situation.

Pageonelit.com: What are a few of the mistakes parents make when they have a child with violent behavior?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: One of the most frequent mistakes parents make is hitting the child when violent behavior occurs. We refer to this as corporal punishment and often speak of it in terms of spanking; however, it can also take other forms. When a parent responds this way, the parent is teaching the child that violent behavior is extinguished or stopped with more severe violent behavior. The child is learning through modeling that this is the way problems are solved. This violent response is reinforced often in movies, television, and aggressive computer games where stronger individuals control the behavior of weaker ones through violent behavior.

 

Pageonelit.com: We think of abuse as being physical, but it can be emotional as well? What are some examples of emotional abuse?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: I have already referred to several examples of emotional abuse; for example, name-calling, teasing, or making derogatory comments. I would add to these tickling, the destruction of personal property such as a sibling tearing off the limbs of his sister's doll, or the destruction of a pet. Research shows that emotional abuse underlies and often precedes physical and sexual abuse. Thus, when parents detect siblings are being emotionally abusive, they should intervene lest the next step is taken which is to engage in physically abusive behavior. Unfortunately, we do not hear or often read about emotional abuse because these situations of abuse seldom reach the courts. There is no physical evidence of emotional abuse, such as bruises that occur in physical abuse, that makes it difficult to prove that emotional abuse occurred.

A few words should be said about tickling. All of us probably have engaged in ticking behavior as a child. What is being referred to here is tickling that occurs and persists despite the plea of the victim that it be stopped. When this occurs, tickling becomes abusive. Adult survivors of sibling abuse have reported that as a child an older sibling would pin them down to the floor and tickle them until they wet their pants or vomited. This is abusive behavior.

 

Pageonelit.com: There's a section in What Parents Need to Know about Sibling Abuse where you talk about spankings. Do you believe in spanking a child? Why or why not?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: I do not believe in spanking a child; however, I want to immediately state that I do not want to put parents on a big guilt trip and give the impression that if they once spanked a child, that they are terrible parents. I just feel there are better, more effective ways to discipline a child. Let me use an analogy. You may chose to cross a very busy street by doing so in the middle of the block dodging in and out between the cars. You may do this all of your life and never get hit by a car. However, it is not the safest and most effective way of crossing busy streets. Likewise, spanking or the use of corporal punishment is not the safest and most effective means of discipline. I am aware many reading this will say, "I was spanked and look how I turned out." My response is that you may not have significant problems-in-living; however, again I repeat that research shows this is not the most effective means of discipline.

There are several problems associated with the use of corporal punishment. First, parents using corporal punishment are engaging in behavior that demonstrates that hitting is a way to solve problems. Children are likely to model this behavior when confronting problems with peers, siblings, and even possibly later when they are adults with their children and their spouses. Second, nothing is learned from being punished with corporal punishment other than children know they should not engage in that behavior. A more effective way is for parents to set up a logical consequence for the child who engages in inappropriate behavior with an explanation as to why the behavior is unacceptable.

Whenever spanking or corporal punishment is discussed, someone says that there are certain situations that require a spanking, such as a child running out into the street. The displeasure and fright of the parents observing such behavior can also be registered with the child by holding the child tightly and allowing the child to see and experience the fear on the parents' face, determining a logical consequence when the child engages in this behavior, and explaining why this is a dangerous behavior.

I have used the term "logical consequence" several times. What is meant by this term? As adults much of our behavior is shaped by logical consequences. For example, if I do not get up in the morning and go to work, the logical consequence is I will not get a paycheck or lose my job with the result that I will not be able to pay my bills or enjoy my earnings. If I speed on the way to work, a logical consequence is I may be pulled to the side by a policeman and will need to pay for a costly speeding ticket. Thus, as adults we learn to anticipate the consequences of our behavior and avoid negative consequences. Children likewise need to learn to develop this ability commensurate with their age. Thus, parents using logical consequences with children are teaching them a skill that will be valuable to them for their lifetime.

 

Pageonelit.com: What is the difference in a child who is punished and a child who is disciplined?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: As I stated earlier, punishment is merely giving a negative reward for engaging in unacceptable behavior. New behavior to replace the dysfunctional behavior is not learned. Discipline involves training and teaching a child to engage in acceptable behaviors.

 

Pageonelit.com: What's next?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: I assume you are referring to additional books I might write. My wife and I have a joke in that when I publish a book, I usually say that this is my last one. So, whenever I say this is my last book, she questions the accuracy or truthfulness of this statement.

What Parents Need to Know about Sibling Abuse is my tenth book. I do not have any other book in mind that I intend to write. I am past retirement age and hope to focus in these twilight years of my life on helping parents be the best possible parents they can be, such as helping them become aware that sibling rivalry can get out of control and become sibling abuse. I am doing this by public speaking and appearing as a guest on numerous radio and television talk shows.

Pageonelit.com: Who are your favorite writers and why? What was the last book you read?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: A favorite writer is Pat Conroy who wrote Prince of Tides. I believe he is an expert at crafting with words. The book is beautifully written. Another writer I enjoy is Richard Russo. I just finished reading Empire Falls and found him to be an excellent writer. I very much enjoyed the way in which he developed his characters in this book. I am about to begin the book, Seabiscuit, by Laura Lillenbrand, a book about a famous racehorse. The book is being made into a movie here in Lexington, KY.

Because of my theological education, I also enjoy reading theology, especially knowledgeable writers who are taking a new and fresh look at the Bible in the light of historical knowledge that has developed over recent years. I just finished reading The Meaning of Jesus by Marcus Borg. I am currently reading The God We Never Knew. I have also enjoyed reading the writings of John Shelby Spong who along with Marcus Borg are participants in the Jesus Seminars.

 

Pageonelit.com: Do you have any hobbies? What are they? How do they enhance your writing?

Vernon R. Wiehe, Ph.D.: My hobby is weaving. I have a large loom on which I weave rugs and baby blankets. The latter I give to charitable organizations for silent auctions they hold for fund raising purposes. I am a member of the Guild of Artists and Craftsmen in Kentucky. I think my weaving has taught me to work in a step-by-step process in my thinking and writing. Weaving requires identifying and completing specific tasks in sequence. This has helped me to approach my research and writing in a similar fashion.

I have also begun to study piano again and enjoy playing the instrument. I do not find, however, a relationship between playing the piano and my writing other than playing the piano is challenging while at the same time relaxing.